May 192012
 Posted by on UTC 2012.05.19Sat at 18:46 OkCupid M3ZRE7  Add comments
ME3YWT:For every OkCupid question about your desired-match/mate, your answer for “Answers I’ll accept” is NOT what they are/do, but what they accept for you & their other mates


  1. MAYCNN:should be updated ~1x/3months; simply re-load/refresh & check-back then; the last entry’s ID is the post version.
  2. M87XAJ:has all key details BOLD with most-essential & -timely first.
  4. M4B1T1:To those who make this mistake,
    1. M4B204:By just writing here, it may be hard to explain to you the problem & how to fix it; it likely would be better to have a video or someone-who-gets-this step you thru examples, ideally interactively, but that’s a notable work so won’t be done unless enough demand for it. So in the meantime,
    2. M4B21B: please just read this post a few times and if you still don’t get it, post questions here.

M3KEH0: Definition

  1. M4B2S7:To state it again & fully: For every OkCupid question about your desired-match/mate (so among the multiple-choice questions), your “Answers I’ll accept” is NOT what they are/do (as answers very typically misunderstand it to be), but what they accept for you & their other mates.

  2. ME43I6:Why is the system actually asking that question instead?

    1. ME43IV:due to the matching algorithm
  3. M4AYMJ:Good example, with my explanation: on sc_grl’s “She cares about” page 1 question & answer quote:

    Would you go out with a smoker?
    An image of sc_grl No [with no explanation.]
    An image of SaberPen Yes, but only an occasional/social smoker
    [Explanation: ] IS MY ANSWER IN RED (so you are rating me down?). Then update your “What I’ll except” so it doesn’t rate me & others down as this question is not “Do you smoke” but what it says, so don’t penalize those who are flexible even if you may not be; instead follow this: “Irrelevant” to me what the other person answers, as I’m NOT a smoker.


    1. M4B23F: the 1st person, who is probably not a smoker (especially as she wouldn’t date a smoker), has ranked down (the 2nd person=me) because he says he he would go out with some smokers. This was almost certainly NOT what the 1st person wants to do.
    2. M4B27O: Making matters worse, it seems the 1st person mistakenly ranked the importance of this question high, as it listed on the first page of what “She cares about”.  This results in the other person heavily been ranked down, and mistakenly (only “because” he’s flexible, and with something that has nothing to do with her as she isn’t a smoker).
    3. M4B2JH: Rather having some “Importance” for this question (which is really “What the other person answers is…(importance)”) is only important when the the 1st person IS a smoker. Then the 1st person would probably want a similar “Yes” from the other person else the other person won’t want to be with him/her. But again, since the 1st person is NOT a smoker, they would almost certainly be best to set this importance as “Irrelevant”.
    4. M4B2BV:  The 2nd person has tried to warn the 1st person and others making this mistake of their mistake by including the 1st paragraph in his explanation, however this probably too short of an explanation (limited by the space) and one which needs to be placed every of the many types of this question, so  the need for this general article addressing the problem.
  4. ME43J1:Why answerers typically mess up their answers on these?

    1. ME43S4:1st typically due to a questions asking about your match instead of about you.
      1. ME43TS: this is probably because people are thinking “Hey, I want to use this question to match & find certain people” so instinctively they ask about the match, forgetting that OkCupid’s algorithm will also take care of this when it subsequently asks “What ways would you allow your match to answer this?”
        1. ME440D:This may be because OkCupid designers haven’t thought of this point themselves, else aren’t teaching this point to users (as notably missing in the OkCupid “create a question”‘s Guidlines)
      2. ME47OF:Much better & much simpler & more-straightforward if if it just asked “Are you a smoker?”.
    2. ME45I9:2nd & always due to OkCupid’s poor wording of the question.
  5.  M4AZBW: Spotting this problem in OkCupid,

    1. M4B6WE: To spot these in your profile

      1. M4B6XL: When looking at somebody else’s profile (ideally one which flags these problems, as SaberPen‘s), click “(S)he cares about” (as SaberPen’s “He cares about”), then
        1. M4B756: search for every question where the other person’s answer is in RED and the question is one of these types; only these will be the problems, but probably not all of them.
        2. M4B842: If you get many of them especially at the start, then you have this problem severely.
      2. M4B75N: When looking at simply your own questions (by clicking on your profile then clicking “Questions”),
        1. M4B79A:  this is much slower in practice than comparing to someone else M4B6XL so try that first.
        2. M4B7BT: Go thru your questions from most to least important (click “Manditory” then “Very important”, etc) and for each question:
          1. M4B7EJ: See if it’s this type of question; if so:
          2. M4B7GOMake sure sufficient answers are (highlighted =in green) –this takes notable thinking.
      3. M4B7KJ: To know more what to look for, see examples in to spot these in someone else’s profile
      4. M4B884: To correct, do What to do instead and to-correct?
    2. M4B81K: to spot these in someone else’s profile

      1. M4AZNG: when looking at another person’s profile, click “(S)he cares about”
      2. M4AZPD: if you get many answers with this situation (where your answers appear in red with this type of question), then the other person has this problem severely.
        1. M4AZTQ:   Example:  this snapshot shows the first 10 “She cares about”-most questions, 7=70% have this problem!  So then we match quote(40%Match) instead of maybe 70%! Here are the 7:
          1. M4B3ZW: quote(What’s the highest level of education you’ve completed? (Note: you can also indicate this on your profile page)
            An image of sc_grl College
            An image of SaberPen Graduate School[–wrongly scored down] )
          2. M4B41L: quote(Would you consider having an open relationship (i.e., one where you can see other people)?
            An image of sc_grl No[–correctly scored down]
            An image of SaberPen Yes[–wrongly scored down] )
          3. M4B44V: quote(Your significant other is perfectly content with their minimum wage job and has no plans to look for more challenging/better paying work. Is this a problem?
            An image of sc_grl Yes, I wouldn’t be able to tolerate that.
            An image of SaberPen Somewhat, but it’s their life.[–wrongly scored down] )
          4. M4B47I: quote(Would you go out with a smoker?
            An image of sc_grl No
            An image of SaberPen Yes, but only an occasional/social smoker[–wrongly scored down] )
          5. M4B49I: quote(Could you date someone who does drugs?
            An image of sc_grl No
            An image of SaberPen Yes[–wrongly scored down] )
          6. M4B4BR: quote(Could you date someone who already has children from a previous relationship?
            An image of sc_grl No
            An image of SaberPen Yes[–wrongly scored down] )
          7. M4B4E4: quote(A college-level education is…
            An image of sc_grl Necessary[–correctly scored down]
            An image of SaberPen Nice, but not mandatory[–wrongly scored down]
            [Explanation: ] DOES MY ANSWER APPEAR IN RED (since you’ve ranked me down). Then please update your “What I will accept” to NOT do that as you are grading me down for being flexible. The question is NOT “are you this way” but as it’s worded for ~”would you consider a partner who is this way”.
            I offer it but I think it isn’t necessary, especially in my field IT: recall self-made billionaires Bill Gates & Mark Zuckerberg are both college dropouts. Clearly someone who says it is “Necessary” is too focused on the wrong things, indeed by real word examples, so that is unhealthy. So I say it’s “a little important” to have any answer BUT “Necessary”.  )
      3. M4B8B8: To help the other person (and other people) correct their mistakes
        1. M4B8C9: put in the start of your question this paragraph, with quotes included making clear it’s a quote, quote(“DOES MY ANSWER APPEAR IN RED. Then you’ve ranked me down likely unintentionally, so please update your “What I will accept” to NOT do that to me and others. Why the mistake? As is common for many OkCupid users, here you are probably not understanding the “What I will accept” portion of this question (thinking it is my situation; NO it’s the situation I will accept in others) so grading down people who you should be ranking high here: me & all others who not only meet your criteria here but go beyond by giving you and others flexibility here. And if this mistake is here, it’s likely in many of your answers, so is often serious and keeping you from finding your best matches. But it can’t be fully explained here, so please read & follow the page of .”)
          1. M4BB0X: Note by doing this, you will be helping not just one person but everyone who views your answer where it comes up it mistakenly gets ranked down for them.
        2. M4B8D6: Message the person this paragraph, with quotes included making clear it’s a quote, quote(“From comparing our OkCupid question answers, it looks you have a common problem in your profile answers which is sometimes severe and which is not only mistakenly ranking-down us but is keeping you from finding your best matches. So please read & follow the page of .”)
        3. .
  6. M4AZVP: What to do instead and to-correct?

    1. M4B17U: First know OkCupid gave “This question is…(importance)” is a somewhat misleading label. It really should be called say “What the other person answers is…(importance)”
      1. M4B1G1: based on starting with “When we look at how each of your answers satisfied the other’s preferences, we’ll use these values to give our calculations the correct weight.”
    2. M4B0KW: For any of question of this type
      1. M4B0ZV: Click “Re-answer” and then adjust “Answers I’ll accept” and/or “This question is..(importance)” to be more appropriately more accepting as follows:
        1. M4B11T: Do YOU have or are into the mentioned attribute (as “are YOU a smoker”) AND/OR does some level of requiring this attribute a sign of bad health by the requirer (as “A college-level education is…” “Necessary” -probably forgetting/unaware billionaires Zuckerberg & Gates were college drop-outs)?
          1. M4AZWL: IF NO to both, make it so the flexible person’s answer is not (ranked down = listed in red), either:
            1. M4B14V: in all cases: just click “Irrelevant” for “This question is…(importance)”. This is the easiest & safest approach.
            2. M4B165: or at least if s/he make it acceptable if the other person is as-or-more flexible than you.
              1. M4B1JM: For “Answers I’ll accept” choose what you answered plus everything which (is more lenient =allows for more possible matches).
              2. M4B1LJ: For “This question is…(importance)” choose how it important to you if the person is LESS flexible even though that doesn’t affect you as you AREN’T in this situation, as perhaps some day you will be in this situation or perhaps you & your match will associate with people who are in this situation.
          2. M4B315: IF YES to just the first (typical), then make it so the other person is OKAY with how you are here
            1. M4B32U: For “Answers I’ll accept” choose
              1. M4B34Y: what you answered (unless you go outside what would be really required and/or healthy) plus
              2. M4B356: every answer which has MORE of this quality (unless, in the usually rare case, this would be a problem: similar to the situations of M4B1LJ)
            2. M4B37J: For “This question is…(importance)” choose how it important to that the other person accept youranswer (so you) for this (in other words, if they don’t accept you, how hard would it be for you to give up this attribute of yours or not agree-with/share that in your relationship).
              1. M4B3C5: For instance, for the question “Would you go out with a smoker?”, how hard it would be for you to give up smoking and/or not smoke in the person’s presence or perhaps hide your smoking from them –this is your “Importance” rating here.
          3. M4B5TV: If YES to the 2nd (rare)
            1. M4B5US: This is a complex situation so I won’t yet spell out how to answer it in general but
            2. M4B5W0: See real example M4B4E4
      2. M4BA84: If you do NOT follow these directions (which seem reasonable expectations), then please include with your answer an explanation as why you do not.
        1. M4BA9W: including so you won’t look stupid here, notably as if you didn’t get the “What I will accept” portion of the question.
        2. M4BABU: For instance, if in answering “Would you go out with a smoker?” it would NOT be okay if your match was okay with that (as you need to date with whomever your match dates(!)), then please explain that (whatever your reason for this oddness) in your explanation.

M3KF4W: Motivations for this post (from roughly greatest-to-least):

  1. M4BB6L: The problem is often severe as shown in to spot these in someone else’s profile.
  2. M4AY5W: If you don’t do What to do instead and to-correct?, especially if you mistakenly have several questions this way which you rank fairly important, you will:
    1. M4AY6I: Considerably rate down your best matches: people who not only match you but will give you & others more flexibility than you give them.
    2. M4AYBV: Look quite stupid
  3. M4AYDS: This problem is so common that it seems OkCupid (& seemingly any matching site) is foolish to have this sort of question (as “How okay is it if your partner have kids from another relationship”) but instead should only do the direct question (“What kids do you have?”)
    1. M4AYKC: But instead a large % of OkCupid’s questions are this way, including many important ones, and it doesn’t seem like OkCupid will be fixing this any time soon.


  1. .

M31R7R:POST HISTORY, in order:

  1. M4AT13: I  create this
    1. M3KNZ6: Why?
      1. M3KO0E: before
        1. M3KOP0: instead of this, what was done
          1. M46QQM: many many women messed this up, so
            1. M4AT3H: I had created a boilerplate header quote( DOES MY ANSWER APPEAR IN RED (since you’ve ranked me down). Then please update your “What I will accept” to NOT do that as you are grading me down for being flexible. The question is NOT “are you this way” but as it’s worded for ~”would you consider a partner who is this way”. )
            2. M4AT6B: I was messaging women trying to explain this problem.
          2. M3KOSW: reached my limit when
            1. M4AT87: I saw and archived here
    2. M3KNXM: by:
      1. M37OOV: on (the most similar recent one= latest version M46R44, do Copy to a new draft
      2. M37OP0: then there: created this entry, give this a new ID, then updated content to fit.
  2. M4BBIJ: First draft, needs proofing
  3. TBA: now have a fairly usable, releasable version ready to be commented on, so 1st publish).
  4. ME3YC6:Since doing this /3800#ME3YB6 which refers to this post, update it, specifically:
  5. ME3YFV:last 2 sections & title: update to present formatting standards; title: changed fr(For every OkCupid question about your possible-match not YOU, your “Answers I’ll accept” answer is NOT his/her status, but (his/her answers for this=what s/he will accept for you & other partners)) for clarity; also rewrote everything from top to midway thru ME43J1; pst2012.11.26mon1431.