Jun 082012

http://1.JotHere.com/3246#M5B7AP: please comment here! -simply create an account if you don’t yet have one; the version ID of this post is the ID of the last entry of its history.

  1. M33YGV: Title:One’s romantic drawbacks, including mistakes, cost big, especially if a woman, so face them including (fix them else admit & discount-for them)

  2. M3KEH0: Definition

    1. M4NFAS:  The title aims to summarize it; see especially its links.

    2. M5B7FA: The short? The cost is serious so bottom line is face it and fix where possible and where not admit it and discount-for it.
    3. M5B7GO:  ~26 Common Romantic drawbacks (often called “baggage“=meaning 3) including mistakes & dysfunctions, roughly from-most-to-least serious, are:

      1. M5QWKW: VERY EXTREMELY SERIOUS:  failing to abort-else-arrange-for-top-adoption-for any pregnancy which is not well-prepared-for (including a society and at least two parents to properly care for the child).

        1. M5QXAQ: Just as taking a life is nothing to toy with, so is creating a life nothing to toy with
          1. M5U0BO: Consequently, IMHO & probably against popular opinion, doing this (trying to keep such a child) should be a criminal offense, as it is child endangerment, especially when almost always one can simply have a child later when the conditions are right.
        2. M5U0LS: This generally messes up the lives of the parents, including burdening them before they are ready and severely limiting their other romance prospects, and, worst of all, permanently messes up the life of the innocent child.
        3. M5QYAW: Examples: Iris it seems, and many others.
      2. M5QWCB: EXTREMELY SERIOUS: failing to use condoms 100% in general.

        1. M5QWH0: –as creating a child’s life & STDs is no play game
        2. M5QXO8: My associate Stuart surprised me when he told me he refuses to use condoms (with the women he dates), because the sex then wasn’t as fun for him, even though he just had to pay casual date to have an abortion since he was negligent here. I responded by saying unless he would agree to 100% condom use, I wouldn’t introduce & recommend him to any woman.
      3. M5QJ3A: EXTREMELY SERIOUS: Is routinely involved with any mate, present or past, which is jealous especially to the point of not allowing an additional mate.

        1. M5QLTK: As Ressonyia (living with her jealous past boyfriend), Aki & Jennifer (each living with “exclusive” husband), etc.
      4. M5USEG: EXTREMELY SERIOUS: Not Realizing: Romance & sex is a drug, starting with Grow in love, don’t fall in love.

        1. M5USIE: Romance & sex is a drug, it’s chemical. The more we study it, the more we realize it. It doesn’t require intelligence or even much emotion. It’s happened for 1 billion years of bisexed creatures. And sociobiology explains what creatures do exactly, more in more, including the crazy things humans do:
          1. M5VZOZ: why men act silly when a new pretty woman they find hot shows interest in them (endorphin release),
          2. M5VZP8: why, in choosing mates, men are promiscuous and women are picky,
          3. M5VZPF: why we get attached after sex especially women,
          4. M5VZPL: why we feel jealous,
          5. M5VZQG: why we enjoy sex itself in particular organisms, and exercise, (endorphin release) so seek to do it,
          6. M5VZVF: why women often get grumpy after their period driving away men (they didn’t do the job!),
          7. M5W05L: why many women who would have thought they would be logical and abort a pregnancy if the situation wasn’t right, then find themselves (mis)hating the idea after they’ve become pregnant (sex was around for about 1 billion years before planning parenthood (and a life) was even possible)
          8. M5VZVW: and more.
        2. M5VZWS: indeed romance & sex is in general the best natural drug nature gives us, and my favorite drug, but still just a drug. So once you realize you are deciding and doing things under the influence of romance & sex, NOT because they are logical, you then have a much better chance to pull your self to your senses and do what is right, which is then often NOT what you feel.
        3. M5W0EG: Starting with Grow in love, don’t Fall in love.
          1. M5W0G5: ”Falling” is bad, it gets you hurt, it is literally loosing control and suddenly moving down.
          2. M5W0IM: ”Growing” is good, it builds you up, and is litterally gaining control and gradually moving up.
          3. M5W0JA:  Falling in love is what happens when the endorphins and oxytocin of sex & romance are firing off, so you feel great and drawn to just follow those feelings while ignoring your better thinking. No, instead enjoy those feelings, yes enjoy them fully, but DON’T follow them if they would cause you to go against your better thinking. And instead:
          4. M5W0Q4: Grow in love. If a person makes sense for now (and with no harm in the future), and you are having good times together and/or learning, then gradually spend more time with that person where this ROI peaks.
          5. M5W17Y: And insure your attachment with someone gradually increases or decreases, nothing sudden.
      5. M5TLJD: EXTREMELY SERIOUS & EXTREMELY COMMON: NOT being professional in romance (as treating romance as you would a business)

        1. M5TMK7: Why do this? Would you rather loose your husband-or-wife or your job? Most people will say their job. But we spend about 16 years (with college), plus a resume, preparing to get our job. How many years does the average person study to get his/her spouse? 0! Plus no resume.  That’s crazy-making.
        2. M5TNJU: Why not done?  In modern society, we’ve thrown out the baby with the bathwater. We’ve replaced traditional romance (arranged marriages (by those experienced with them) and sometimes a match-maker) with 0. We now become do-it-yourself matchmakers, with 0 experience and with often seeking 0 advice from family & friends, and due in part from the new condoms and liberated woman, we think think we can just “do whatever feels good”.  This is a recipe for disaster, and is no wonder the broken family has become the norm and being steadily married has become the vast exception.
        3. M5TLLI: Where “professional” means just what it means in business, for example:
          1. M5TLVA: Realistic expectations (women-seeking-men are big offenders here)
          2. M5TLMI: keeping promises, and rating a mate foremost on if s/he keeps promises.
            1. M5U0VO: Most obvious: keeping a promise of a date (and if having to change it, then doing so in advance and especially replacing it with another soon equal or better meeting; and if canceling permanently, than doing so in-person & explaining why)
              1. M5U0Y1: Offenders include: Ressonyia (eventually talked into replacing), Niah, Fang (not in person), Patricia, Janice, Mayuko, and numerous others: in my experience, ~90% of of SoCal women violate this, but that doesn’t make it “ok” by any means.
            2. M5VGWH: No (misleading including false advertising and lying).
              1. M5VH81: Don’t promise when you don’t intend it to be more than sex, and/or to meet each other regularly.
                1. M5VHCJ: Men are huge violators here, especially when they see drawbacks in a mate, and it hurts women a lot.
                2. M5W1LZ: to protect oneself from this.
                  1. M5W1N8: How is not obvious.
                  2. M5W1NK: I encourage you to report incidents on a site such as http://JotHere.com
                  3. M5W1QL: If in doubt, one should also ask her/his mate directly “Are you intending our relation to be more than sex and/or for us to meet regularly?”.
                    1. M5W1UO: Since men are the pursuers, this question will generally not scare off any mate other than the ones you don’t want.
              2. M5W1W2: Don’t give any false information with limited exception (on dating profiles and in general).
                1. M5W31B: This appears to be a real concern of woman.
                  1. M5W31K: A pretty young woman Mayuko said that about 2 of the about 5 men she met via Match.com lied on some of the information on their profile, such as were overweight but only gave earlier photos of themselves as thin.
                  2. M5W327: I’ve heard other similar reports from women.
                2. M5W1Y2: The limited exception is if asked an inappropriate question which you are forced to answer
                  1. M5W278: Inappropriate questions are numerical-age, income, often religion, and, others listed here.
                  2. M5W22D: in this case, what to do:
                    1. M5W238: answer the question with some value, as something which would make the most matches AND
                    2. M5W23W: as near to your answer as possible (including footnote it if possible) include an explanation as to why you see the question is inappropriate, why you answered this way, and the truth to the degree to revealing it is appropriate.
                  3. M5W261: The leading problem is being forced to answer numerical-age.
                    1. M5W2JP: An example of how to handle this is SaberPen’s profile. Since the site OkCupid forces an answer, SaberPen has made the profile section “The most private thing I’m willing to admit” ends with ““My numerical age here is my approximate apparent age per M3UBHA”” (and set his numerical age accordingly). Anyone else can also use this text & link to do similarly for his/her profile, too!
          3. M5TLOK: Not judging just by appearances, not assuming, but measuring & checking.
            1. M5U1EZ: Offenders include: Mayuko (possibly).
          4. M5TLQS: excellent communicating, including:
            1. M5TMAO: replying to all reasonable messages & questions.
              1. M5U1LI: Offenders include: Janice (she boasts of it her OGM: “I’ll get back to you if you’re lucky”), Ressonyia sometimes.
            2. M5TMAF: all the important stuff in writing.
              1. M5U1NF: Good example of this is dedicated romance-friends™ terms M1WROM (under construction)
          5. M5TLT4: Don’t waste time on phone, email, messaging, but meet in person and make it easy to schedule meetings.
            1. M5U15N: Offenders: Ressonyia, Iris, Niah, and many others, including most women met on dating sites.
          6. M5TLWZ: Facing, recording, & studying past performance (as a dating resume, or at least asking & facing a person’s past dating history)
          7. M5TM0W: Don’t depend on any one source nor ideally any one person(multiple vendors, customers, employees -ideally everyone has an alternate)
            1. M5TNV7: Notably fighting desires & expectations to get one’s romance all from one person –women especially take note.
      6. M5UDQI: EXTREMELY SERIOUS: Expecting & requiring monogamy, specifically themselves and/or especially their mate getting all their romance from one person (the other person), pretty much at all times (including during dating and well before marriage).

        1. M5UDW5: Offenders:
          1. M5UEGC: about 90% of women (including about 98% deeply want this regardless of how realistic it is)
          2. M5UE1F: quite the opposite, about 90% of men would WOULD like multiple simultaneous romance partners if they could get it, so only pretend to go along with this, usually just (one or more):
            1. M5UE5H: to keep each woman all to himself (while they have several)
            2. M5UE6P:  because woman won’t even tolerate discussion of anything other than than this
            3. M5UEIF: fear of being condemned by society/religion.
          3. M5UEK8: The difference is summarized the joke “Every woman wants 1 man to satisfy her every need, and every man wants every woman to satisfy his 1 need!”
        2. M5UESK: Why is monogamy mostly a bad goal?
          1. M5UEUH: Logically:
            1. M5UP0N: Expecting & trying to get everything from one source is unrealistic, dangerous and typically harmful, as well demonstrated by democracy instead of monarchy, by business, and by friendship, and by love.
              1. M5UETH: The best romance is truly based on friendship and friendship is fundamentally non-exclusive, indeed it’s generally very unhealthy to have and require just one friend (and require & expect a soul-friend, analogous to requiring & expecting a soul-mate)
              2. M5UEZW: True love is generally NOT excluding people but rather including people.
            2. M5UP0W: Per the saying “Variety is the spice of life!”
          2. M5UFOF: Empirically:
            1. M5UFIQ: Actual monogamy isn’t nature’s way, even for swans.  See for the research cited in LA Times article “Monogamy isn’t easy, naturally”.
            2. M5UFQ0: The leaders of society typically aren’t monogamous when one can see them under the sheets. “If you were to judge the success rate of monogamy by the sex lives of public figures, perhaps couples should change their marriage vows..” begins CNN”s “Is monogamy realistic?”.
        3. M5UG2U: What to do instead? (very hard but realistic)
          1. M5UL4R: Despise jealousy & replace with compersion.
          2. M5UG7W: Expect healthy men, including yours, to naturally want to get romance from multiple sources and be very unhappy if not allowed to.
            1. M5UGF4: Even if you are “his favorite restaurant”, understand in his heart “Your favorite restaurant is NOT your favorite (indeed you may hate it) if you have to eat there every meal.”
          3. M5UHFR: Don’t expect & offer exclusiveness. DO expect & offer dedication.
          4. M5UHDK: Stop wishing for a soul-mate or the perfect mate, as seeing that desire is unrealistic so very hurtful, as then no one measures up to your unrealistic standards.
          5. M5UG3M: Fight your desire to to pick only one mate and get all your romantic fulfillment from one source.
            1. M5UH4T: At all times, expect you’ll have to get your romantic fulfillment from a few stable sources or at least seriously keep open the real option to do so
            2. M5UGQ7: Be dedicated & respectful to your every romance (including every potential romance), including do NOT allow any of your romances to monopolize and/or undeservedly hurt your other romances(s).
            3. M5UGN1: Especially with multiple sources of romance, realize it’s appropriate to expect any source/person to be perfect as say your soul-mate.
            4. M5UHUL: Do as the female-ruled bonobos do: any mate who tries to have you sexually all to himself and/or thinks you lesser for having multiple mates, DON’T have any romance & sex with him and spread the word NOT to have sex with him.
              1. M5UICL: ”You will share me AND respect me, or I won’t be with you! And tell that you’re trying to monopolize people all for yourself!”
            5. M5UGUR: Make sure your romantic exclusiveness is the very last thing you give away, if ever (you may very wisely decide never to give it way).
              1. M5UGYA: Including don’t give it way until living together for at least 3 months.
              2. M5UGZV: If romantic exclusivity is to be valued, then it needs to be earned.
          6. M5W0VL: It’s NOT finding ”the right” person, it’s becoming the right person to see great people everywhere and invest in making all your relationships work.
          7. M5W10C: It’s not about your relationship with any single person (except perhaps with you!). It’s about getting at the right distance (not too close, not to far) with every creature to make your relationship with him/her work.
          8. M5ULL7: Aim to do say Romance-Friends™, Romance Form for the 21st Century, as detailed in its romance terms.
      7. M5QJ9U: VERY SERIOUS: Already has mate(s) to whom s/he has & is effectively promised to be romantically exclusive to (while seeking additional mate(s))

        1. M5QJFMIs married (except for an open marriage) and
          1. M5QL8ZSEMI-SERIOUS: separated
            1. M5QLVA: As Iris & Ressonyia, and more.
          2. M5QLB5EXTREMELY SERIOUS: not-separated.
            1. M5QLWK: As Aki, Jennifer, and more.
      8. M5QK06: VERY SERIOUS: Body, especially appearance and including movement, has basic negatives.

        1. M5TOYF: VERY SERIOUS: Any seriously negative appearance especially that can be seen publicly
          1. M5TOSS: Places the person, especially a woman, in a “just for hidden romance” category or “no romance at all”
          2. M5QK46: EXTREMELY SERIOUS: disfigured or disabled or awkward-moving.
            1. M5QKIB: Hatsumi has an amazing figure, especially for Japanese, but she moves very awkward to the degree that strangers are sometimes alarmed, showing this is even more important and that even the best figure doesn’t make up for normal behavior.
          3. M5B7JUVERY SERIOUS: overweight especially notably (as Miyuki & 1 other)
            1. M5BEXF: as someone who would be a sexual turn-on instead becomes a serious sexual turn-off
            2. M5BF2A: men typically strongly react this way, explaining the “No fat chicks!” bumper stickers plus the joke “What do fat women & scooters have in common? They’re fun to ride but you never want to be caught on one!”.
        2. M5QL4G: VERY SERIOUS: Is not capable of having children.
          1. M5QLQC: as Ressonyia
          2. M5TOQZ: Easily places the person in a “just for sex” category.
          3. M5TOC2: Why? To one not capable of having children, it is very unlikely anyone would reasonably be romantically exclusive to such a person, else take such a person romantically seriously, if they wanted to have children in the near future or ever, and were understandably not open to adoption.
            1. M5TOKU: It is not a surprise that it seems most swingers are over 40, as beyond that age most women can’t have children so a man would feel much less risk letting her have sex with other men.
      9. M5TA59: VERY SERIOUS: not going for mates who genuinely care for her/him and offer solid qualities.

        1. M5TALE: Doing this seems VERY & INCREASINGLY COMMON BY WOMEN in my experience.
          1. M5TAON: I and other nice guys I know are commonly overlooked by women, seemingly increasingly.
          2. M5TTHV: The increase seems heavily caused by the overstepped liberated woman movement.
        2. M5TARX: Some leading causes:
          1. M5TAT1: As part of the new liberated woman, overpowering of women and underpowering of men in romance, especially in finding a mate, including:
            1. M5TAZ3: Women no longer need to be married to be successful & have status so aren’t as required to find a mate, so have often/typically become cavalier & reckless about finding mates.
            2. M5TIFX: A man’s sexual aggression & assertiveness towards & for a woman now (mistakenly) seen almost entirely as a negative & unacceptable, including:
              1. M5TIJQ: Women increasingly seeing a man’s strong initial sexual interest in her as a negative instead of a positive, as it typically is.
              2. M5TAW0: Way too easy today for good men to be suspected of & punished for rape, sexual harassment & stalking, so much now that “Yesterday’s secret admirer is today’s stalker”.
              3. M5TIMB: The popularization of “No means No” anti-date-rape slogan, a terrible over-simplification as the truth is many women send mixed messages here yet expect their listener to sort it out, so the just the word “No” must be weighed in with other factors as tone of voice and gestures and behavior to determine what she really wants.
            3.  M5TBBYIn imitating men to take on the powers they see men have, women sometimes imitate the romantic behaviors of men seemingly unaware they are not equipped (as born with) the skills & full-physic to handle this (whereas men ARE typically born with these skills). See the section of M5TQ5X.
          2. M5TK7D: A woman behaving like a man in romance but not wired-like-men with the skills plus (physic, including getting pregnant) to manage it
            1. M5TQ5X: This is likely dramatically increased by the new liberated woman plus wide-spread availability of the condom and other birth control.
            2. M5TBWG:  Women getting too heady/conscious about selecting a mate notably at the cost of not developing & not being guided by her natural romantic instincts.
              1. M5TKME: There is the saying “You find romance when you’re not looking”. Well this is often true for women (as the women are messing things up when they look!) but it is rarely true for men (as a healthy man is most always looking).
              2. M5TPJ0: Common mistakes are requiring certain religious & political labels, numerical age, income level, & more, detailed here.
            3. M5TI9K: a woman thinking too much of how initially sexually interested she is in the mate and/or not thinking enough of if he seriously will make a quality long-term mate for her.
              1. M5TJUS: The problem is this will probably NOT be a good exclusive mate for her but a woman, unlike a man, isn’t wired for casual sex and multiple simultaneous partners.
            4. M5TBCW: (A woman) trying to quickly decide on a mate (in days or minutes or seconds). See Normal speed to correctly answer “Could s/he reliably turn me on sexually & how much?”: women: days-to-months, men: ~1 second.
            5. M5TBKE: A woman taking on casual sex partners and/or multiple simultaneous sex partners (likely thinking they’re immiating men, but actually performing poorly as women typically aren’t born with the skills) .
              1. M5TGK6: A man but not a woman is typically wired for (so desiring & with the skills for) casual sex and multiple simultaneous partners as that produces multiply more copies of himself without putting himself in significant danger historically. This is explained in detail here: in fact this near universal difference, why, in choosing mates, most males are promiscuous whereas most females are picky, is the foundation of sociobiology.
              2. M5TGKR: As loving is fundamentally inclusive, not exclusive, and as the best romance is based on friendship and it is generally VERY bad to have just one friend, if done respectfully including safely, I encourage potentially everyone to have multiple simultaneous sex partners and even casual sex, but #1 problem appears to be the women do not have the interest nor skills, and so far won’t generally acquire them despite my best training & efforts.
        3. M5B81GEXTREMELY SERIOUS: attracted by mates abusing & overpowering, and turned off by those who help & care for them.  In short, attracted to those who treat them bad and not to those who treat them well.
          1. M5QP4W:  thinking abuse means love, usually from, as children, being abused & seeing abuse, by those who should be loving.
          2. M5QMCH: plenty exist, I guess from being raised in abusive families
          3. M5QMD4: This turns me off and since I won’t abuse my mate, I don’t know examples from any deep personal experience, but know these possibilities:
            1. M5QPBR: Debbie, who, perhaps from being molested as a girl, semi-fantasized of being raped (and once even attempted to put me in that situation!), and, against her friend’s advice (indeed likely in part because her friend told her not to), eventually left me,a nice guy, for a middle-eastern guy much younger than her who not only didn’t take her seriously but also boasted to all her friends at her house-party that he would be seriously ashamed of her as a date  in numerous ways (at her home he insisted the woman he would be serious about be 12years younger than him (she was 13years older), be Muslim as he & strict (she was a Mormon-turned-Atheist), and be of his country & dark-skinned tribe in Afghanistan (she was white American), including before he would ever tell his family of her).
            2. M5QPJQ: Aki, who said she was severely abused as an adopted child and married a very abusive man.
            3. M5QPXT: Iris, who
              1. M5QQ0E: earnestly asked me “Why do are you trying so hard to make me upset? -as you are working on my resume for me and when you are sick, so deliberately making me feel very guilty!”  (BTW, I was working on her resume because I had promised to do it for her, especially since she said finding a job was key to her now (and it was) and that with me she hadn’t spent enough time on that. So now instead of appropriately appreciating me, she was hating me.) She added ~”I get angry with the people are are very nice to me as they make me feel guilty!”.
              2. M5QQ3Z: Maintained a 2 year relationship with a guy Josh, who apparently was wealthy and lived elsewhere and would come to see her just for sex (and boasted that he had since replaced her with a F–k doll, which she took as a sign of endearment!), because “He didn’t have to give up anything to be with me so I felt comfortable with him”; whereas she romantically dismissed Thomas and Larry and typically-me, all guys who had given her a lot to help her present dire situation.
            4. M5QQZ1: Seemingly Ressonyia (in that she would be upset & manipulated by verbal abuse of her ex-husband and do errands all day for her jealous lying ex-boyfriend to the point of typically having no time left for her her new mate me)
            5. M5B7MX: romantically obsessed with being stalked
              1. M5QVPB: Julia is only example I know
        4. M5TPQE: VERY SERIOUS: Picking mates based on religious or political labels (as “is a Christian” or “is a Muslim” or “is a Republican”) when values, especially demonstrated actions, is what’s key.
          1. M5TV90: For an excellent example of detailing values (especially when the only religious label is just “ignonostic”), see the “VALUES” section of SaberPen’s profile.
          2. M5TVV8: So what meaning can be read from these labels?
            1. M5TVO6: Typical popular political and religious labels actually say very little, because they typically try to over-simply and are typically over-used.
            2. M5TVW2: The people who are both smartest & most-caring tend to be liberal & leftist, including to the point of not counting on the supernatural.
              1. M5UJNA: In contrast, conservative and right-ist people tend to be-not-that-smart (so fearing change & complexity) or smart people wanting to take advantage of the many not-so-smart (as several Evangelical leaders and several Republican leaders).
                1. M5UK4R: Some of many examples of these conservative leaders actually going against as they preach: Top 15 Anti-Gay Activists Caught Being Gay12 biggest Christian-evangelist sex-scandals, House of Borgia (pope of the Catholic Church).
              2. M5TXPI: For http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_parties_in_the_United_States#Party_comparisons, liberal/left examples tend to be Green PartyLibertarian PartyDemocratic Party, and probably Independents.
              3. M5TXYS: For http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_religious_groups, strongest liberal/left examples I’ve found are:
                1. M5UJEL: No religion (example: Bill Gates is agnostic),
                2. M5UJEV: Unitarian Universalism,
                3. M5UJF5: Buddhism (example: Steve Jobs was Zen Buddhist), and
                4. M5UJOU: and there are possibly others which also don’t subscribe in belief in supernatural.
                5. M5TYRI: Among Christian (which is not left), the most left I’ve found is Episcopal Church of the US.
        5. M5TPNZ:VERY SERIOUS: Picking mates based on numerical-age even though apparent-age is what’s key for romance & friendship –please read for details
          1. MF00BI:Today offenders are about 95% of people.
            1. M5UAZK:Notable Offenders (who demanded & apparently judge heavily on numerical-age): Patricia.
        6. M5TQDM: SERIOUS: Picking a mate (especially a man) based on his/her income (as the more the better), a criteria no longer appropriate today for judgement by the self-supporting person.
          1. M5TR0Q: Why largely not appropriate, especially today?
            1. M5TR2D:  Due to the new liberated woman, it’s possible & expected for each woman to be self-supporting, including she can earn her own living plus avoid & abort pregnancy & sexual disease, so does not need to depend and is generally not expected to depend on anyone else, as her man romance, to provide this.
            2. M5TRDO: Unless a marriage is involved (which is increasingly rare) and one without a prenuptial agreement (typically created to exclude this), it’s unreasonable (and increasingly unreasonable) to expect one should get significant financial support from one’s romantic partner.
          2. M5TSRP: This includes picking a mate by looking for careers which are often high-paying (as a “doctor” or “lawyer”).
          3. M5VHJE: A good idea is to: Happily live frugally, or at least appear that way, and any material wealth you have, don’t show it; and do not reveal your income unless say you’ve met the person numerous times.
            1. M5VY2T: Including when you go on dates, go to inexpensive but quality quality restaurants that you would go to yourself (even without a date), such as famous Chipotle Mexican Grill, Yogurtland, or Starbucks.
            2. M5VYGN: Including only spend special money on someone (beyond small gifts) once you’ve seen s/he has been reliable for say at least 3 meetings and is investing in having the relationship progress.
            3. M5VHR8: This is what I do.
            4. M5VHVL: This takes guts, especially as a man, because one loose a number of romance prospects, especially for a man who is still viewed as the primary income earner; but it scares off all “gold diggers” plus someone who might sue you, plus anyone looking at you for material gain. Instead you are sure they must be investing in you for you, not for your possessions. And it saves you a lot of money on the many mates (the majority of them) not up to good romance standards, where you would have never seen them again after 1 or 2 dates anyway.
            5. is to hide all material wealth and make it look like you have little mone
        7. M5TSX2: SEMI-SERIOUS: Picking a mate based on education (the more, the better), as getting degrees does not mean good values in life.
          1. M5TZ5H: Education can be a plus, but at least with present US schools (which don’t teach romance & friendship), it should never be a requirement.
          2. M5TZ6Y: Even professionally, in some fast moving areas as IT, super high education is sometimes thought as a drawback, especially given  billionaire top IT leaders Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberk were all college dropouts.
          3. M5TZJA: Note I write this as a person graduating top in my CS class at MIT (though I also dropped out of my MIT CS master’s program after completing the work but then my thesis supervisor wanted to sign my thesis without ever reading it).
      10. M5B81R: VERY SERIOUS: likes to abuse her/his mate (actual or potential)

        1. M5QVLT: Likes abusing actual mate, Offenders:
          1. M5UCLB: Congpa
          2. M5UCMO: occasionally Aki (was herself an abused adopted child)
          3. M5QYEG: One Sargent (a big handsome guy) who I met at his job working as a bouncer (he would beat up his wife; was imprisoned over it).
        2. M5UCNT: likes abusing potential mates:
          1. M5UCFF: Offenders: possibly many/most young single women in terms of their picking potential mates via treating people as disposable for fun
          2. M5UD43: Great example is from HBO “Girls” episode 7 where “Jessa sends taunting messages to an [accidental ]anonymous texter.” (pretending to know who she’s texting) causing him to show up to the huge party where he won’t be able to find her; then when he shows up to the party and actually finds her, she throws a liquor bottle at other random guys inciting them to beat him up & send him to the hospital.
          3. M5UDK1: One young woman I dated once confessed to me, yes, her girlfriends, when they’re bored, text back random taunting time-wasting messages to guys they’ve given their phone number to, pretending to be interested & planning to meet them when they’re not.
      11. M5UM1I: VERY SERIOUS: Does not realize that: The quality mates go fast (as in high-school, college, & shortly after).  After that, if someone’s romantically available, they’ve got romantic problems, usually which are listed here and which will cost you, and the longer they’ve been unhappy in romance, the bigger those problems, to the point of unrepairable. This is especially true for women.

        1. M5UMKP: I wish someone had told me this when I was in college!
        2. M5UMOU: Why is this true?
          1. M5UNV4: It’s like the fruit at the grocery store: the good ones get taken, till what’s left is left for a reason, pretty “picked over”.
          2. M5UMQ3: In the case of men mates in particular, yes there are are about 5% of men who are actually interested in being romantic with only one mate (and still have some romance drive). Nearly every women wants these men, so so they are snapped up in high-school and college.  So if you didn’t get one already, move on; they’re gone. Moreover, most men pretend to be this kind of man (since nearly every woman demands them), so even when they become available, they’re nearly impossible to spot since nearly every man says “he’s a one woman man”. So if you didn’t get one, again, move on.  Searching for one would be about as wise as spending all your income buying lotto tickets –not a smart idea.  Rather, accept healthy men wanting romantic variety.
          3. M5UPE9: Younger people are immature, but they also don’t typically have any or or few of the many romantic drawbacks and baggage as those listed here, and when they do have some, it often can be rid -they can be fixed.
          4. M5UPFY: However after a few bad romances, the person becomes bitter & damaged, including some baggage (as kids) or sometimes disease which can never go away.
            1. M5UPK7: This happens quickly today as youth as today youth are highly encouraged to get romantic and sexual but given no formal romantic training nor guidelines (except against the most extreme activities as rape).
            2. M5UQZ0: It happens seemingly faster for women, as:
              1. M5UR2E: as women are particularly sensitive sexually, so a short relation (that was say mostly sex) hurts her more than it does a man.
              2. M5UR92: Mates especially men generally won’t tell her her problems, so she’s not fully aware of them & what’s causing her problems, a big point of this post.
            3. M5URED: Men though are also hurt if the romance was several years and/or their offspring (whom they care for) are involved.
          5. M5URP0: After 15 or 20 years of unhappy romance (or romance with unhappy endings), the damage seems generally un-repairable, as the person is hurt and generally doesn’t know why and/or has no one forcing him/her to see & face why, so becomes bitter and often-unknowingly locked into bad habits.
            1. M5URSX: Men in this phase have typically had their kids and 1 or more divorces, so may pretend they want more marriage and kids to entice young women, but actually all they want sex, and as soon as one young woman becomes
            2. M5URUZ: Women will in this phase will have baggage (as single parents) and probably many emotional hangups mentioned here, which they are generally unaware of and repeat out of unstoppable habit.
            3. M5USY2: Both sexes will have lost trust for any mate (except maybe some past mates which are past) and will not be able to connect deeply to a new mate, if connect at all.
        3. M5UPRW: VERY SERIOUS: Not realizing: Women, your years to find quality romance is short, 1/2 or less that of men’s years. 
          1. M5UPUP: An attractive woman, with lots of guys soliciting her, may feel romance is easy so she has all options & the time in the world, unknowing that the tables quickly reverse.
          2. M5UPSZ:  The man is generally expected to be older, so has significantly more time for romantic exploration.
            1. M5UQ65: A 40 year old guy can go out with a 20 year old girl, indeed it happens pretty routinely (provided the girl doesn’t know the guys age initially), but the reverse generally does NOT happen.
              1. M5UQ8C: Indeed, per big mate age differences, some famous men married women 35 or even 60 years younger than them; but for women having a younger man this is considered extreme when the difference is a mere 7 years, and I don’t know of popular cases where it leads to marriage.
            2. M5UQDN: Indeed a man at age 20 may marry a woman age 18, have kids with her, then when she reaches 40, divorce her and marry another woman say 18 or 20 (the age of his own kids!), and have kids with her, too.  Indeed some men do this with 3 women; time a woman grows old, divorce her and marry a younger one (sometimes the age of his own kids) and start over!
            3. M5UQ6P: And, while the pain to the women is unjustified, there is some logic to this.
          3. M5UPYW: Around 40, a woman can no longer have children, or no longer have children safely, a serious drawback for most mates. But most men are fertile into their 60s or even 80s.
          4. M5URYA: Moreover, women tend to live longer than men, so among 60s and older, the women significantly outnumber the men, and are very single (as the men are generally going for younger women).  So even if an older man can’t get the younger women, once he decides to go for women his age, there are now plenty, often a few going after him if he wants, and the tables have been fully turned.
          5. M5UQM5: Consequently, a woman needs to use her use her romantic search time wisely:
            1. M5UQXF: Do NOT have a child with your mate until having lived with your mate for at least about 3 years.
            2. M5US8M: Do the other steps mentioned here, including realizing romance is a drug.
            3. M5USON: Do NOT allow a period of more than say 6 months of you being single.
            4. M5UQQ7: Really test out any potential relationship quickly, as move-in and live together after no more than 1 or 2 months.
            5. M5UQSL: If marriage is the goal, do not spend more than 2 years living together to decide, ideally no more than 1 year.
      12. M5U1WL: VERY SERIOUS: Is only romantically attracted to not his/her normal mate.

        1. M5U2FQ: This typically severely limits one’s romantic options to say a 1/10th or less than what is normal, typically because the not only do normal mates not match, one has to find one’s dual with a similar condition.
        2. M5U2EW:  Is wired this way (so seemingly a genetic mutation & unfixable)
          1. M5U2HN: Examples:
            1. M5U2II: Being LGBT
              1. M5U3VL: all but Bisexual limit options to about 1/10th (less for transgender); Bisexual nearly “doubles one’s options” (“..on a Saturday night”, as Woody Alan humorously pointed out)
            2. M5U2QW: Being romantically attracted only to a race not one’s own
              1. M5U2SI: Example: me=Destiny: I am white but pretty much only attracted to women with E. Asian eyes & hair though prefer a white (as busty) figure.
            3. M5U2Y8: Being a Pedafile
              1. M5U30T: This is so severe there seems no known healthy full fix.
        3. M5U33O: Being romantically attracted only to adult mates much younger
          1. M5U3AA: name for it:
            1. M5U3KV: called a couger if a woman
            2. M5U3L3: unfairly no name for men probably because it’s mis-considered normal but might be called a Woody Allen (mate 35yrs younger) or a Hugh Hefner (mate 60yrs younger).
          2. M5U3LQ: Unclear if it’s genetic or just selfish.
          3. M5U3MR: Example: Hatsumi romantically desires only men who appears about 15years younger than she.
      13. M5QIZO: MED-SERIOUS: Has kid(s) from another mate which s/he must continue to care for.

        1. M5QLRH: as Ressonyia, Iris, Aki, and many others.
      14. M5B9AJ: SERIOUS: Stuck-up/vain and/or materialistic

        1. M5ULZI: These exist, including I meet men complaining about them, but I get turned off so quickly I don’t know many.
        2. M5QLZ7: Offenders: seemingly Fang
      15. M5QKSU: SERIOUS: Temperamental, as say throwing away the relationship in reply to a request to faced one’s mistakes

        1. M5QM24: Offenders: Niah, Fang.
      16. M5QJ0S: SERIOUS: Hides mates from each other

        1. M5QM5V: as Ressonyia
        2. M5B7LDromantically cheats (as Jennifer, Aki, and many others)
      17. M5R4AE: SERIOUS: treating anyone as disposible, even where it likely won’t obviously get back to disposer.

        1. M5R4B9: Extremely common in densely populated areas, or at least S. California, (where it is not likely to obviously get back to the disposer).
        2. M5UDCJ: Sometimes potential mates are casually disposed of for fun (so then is deliberately abusive) -see that section.
        3. M5R4HF: Example: Fang, Janet, and numerous others.
          1. M5R4RV: Janet even has on her voicemail OGM “Leave a message and I’ll call you back if you are lucky.” (and, from experience, that’s not a joke, but what she actually does.)
        4. M5R4IG: The logic is it won’t matter so long as it’s not done where it would get back, including for any longer-term relationship. However,
          1. M5R4KT: It does damage the society overall with negative community energy, much the same way littering does (similar to doing “littering is ok so long as it’s not in my neighborhood”).
          2. M5R4NK: I don’t yet have an example of how it hurts the doer directly, but I would like to find & else create one to prevent this from being done.
      18. M5B7K1: FAIRLY SERIOUS: addicted (=un-managed high-attraction) to sex, gambling, drugs/alcohol/smoking, romance, or anything else.

        1. M5BHEU: outcomes:
          1. M5BHBP: This usually results in the person doing extreme oscillations, including imagining they can just “shut it off”, when in fact they just deny themselves, build up like a pressure cooker, then explode doing something rash & often dangerous.
          2. M5BHHV: The answer is simply “do everything in moderation”, and the answer is in the middle for virtually everything.
        2. M5B7QU: thinking her strong sex drive is evil, as sometimes suggested by Christianity (3 gals I dated)
          1. M5B7ZR: thinking her desire for multiple simultaneous mates is evil, as suggested by society’s terms “slut”, hore”, etc  (as Myhang)
      19. M5B7ME: FAIRLY SERIOUS: romantically jealous, especially too jealous

        1. M5UL9I: Serious offenders: Hatsumi, Catherine, Iris, and others
        2. M5ULAN: What to do?
          1. M5ULBK: Realize jealousy is genetic romantic anti-love, so despise it (including despise yourself doing it) and replace it with compersion, as detailed here.
      20. M5BHKG: Unaware of one’s sexual attraction and sexual needs and/or mistaking these for true-love

        1. M5BHM4: This an enormous problem for seemingly most women, but few men.
          1. M5BHTL: Helping explain this, men are expected to start masturbating regularly as a teen-ager, but women often never.
        2. M5BHPG: This would easily be a problem for anyone who never masturbated regularly.
      21. M5R202: not showing just-empathy (as without trying to solve the problem)

        1. M5R2HJ: This is important for when a person just wants to talk to someone who empathizes but doesn’t present a solution.
          1. M5R3TD: I don’t have much of this need I don’t think, but
          2. M5R41U: it seems women especially have a high need for this.
          3. M5R40C: I guess the reason people need this is people aren’t perfect so they can’t jump from problem to solution in one step, but instead need the intermediate step of someone empathizing with the problem but not offering solutions I guess since practical solutions might be more stress than the person is ready for.
        2. M5R2IY: Example: Most young men, and (me=Destiny), don’t offer much of this; to be helpful, instead when presented with a problem, they just jump to solutions if trying to helpful.
        3. M5R3NX: I have thought that having this is not essential but a a plus, but my mother says not having this is a minus.  She says that’s a serious minus but I don’t believe that far.
      22. M5B838: preferring fantasy over reality

        1. M5W3LS: This can be serious if reality is avoided too much. In the extreme cases (where it’s not just a preference but an automatic unconscious selection), it’s what psychologists call psychosis.
        2. M5W3KH:  I have only seen this in one case, Ressonyia, so I can can only describe her words. It overall doesn’t seem too serious, but may get worse.
          1. M5W3T6: Before I met her and convinced her and helped her come up with a “Plan B”, she was planning her future and had invested most all her money in a get-rich quick investment which seemed very unlikely & risky.
          2. M5W3WO: She has said a few times, when I mentioned recent events in the news, ”I don’t watch the news. It’s all bad.”. But of course news is not all bad, and recent trends in the US have been to insure news is more positive than negative.
          3. M5W3XW: She admittedly lives in a state of doublethink, a word I introduced her to. She doesn’t seem to tell most of her friends the full story, and this doesn’t bother her. For instance, she hides her routinely seeing me from her Saddleback Church woman friends because they are too conservative to understand my liberal ideas. She goes to Saddleback Church, and says it’s important to her and apparently has some serious woman-friends from there; but she goes routinely to Saddleback even though it is Baptist, so views homosexuality as a sin plus has other views which she (wisely) doesn’t agree with.
      23. M5B7T1: romantically attaches too much after sex, even to an abusive mate

        1. M5W4F6: Who has this situation (of strongly attaching after sex)?
          1. M5W4PE: A few women seem to have this problem.
            1. M5W4S0: in HBO’s Girls episode 4, an old guy friend “refuses to have sex with [Shoshanna] after she confesses she’s a virgin” because he says ~”Virgin women attach too much.”.
          2. M5W4PN: Men having this problem seems somewhat rare.
          3. M5W4H3: The attachment seems strongest when the person looses her/his virginity and may reduce with subsequent partners.
            1. M5W4LK: This may be a logical reason many men of history, and cultures, have demanded a vigin wife: to insure she will attach to the husband, especially to insure the husband won’t loose or or be unknowingly raising some other man’s child.
        2. M5W4YC: a female attaching strongly after sex would be suggested sociobiology because there’s been 1 billion years of bisexed creatures before birth-control, so the female body wouldn’t know that it’s not going to get pregnant after this sex (or than an abortion might take place), so the female would then be dependedent on the male, so it appears  Oxyocyin is released in her after sex to cause her attach to her mate, perhaps even if he’s a jerk, because she will need her help thru the pregnancy (she can’t hunt wild boars when she’s 8th months preganant, and there is no stockpiling of food) plus to care for the resultant child (as no other male is likely going to raise another male’s child).
          1. M5W5BZ: And Oxyocyin is a powerful hormone, also causing the woman to bond to her baby after child birth even though the creature just caused her 9 months of trouble and just moments before, most extraordinary pain.
          2. M5BFCN: a woman who finds herself attaching to jerky men after sex even though her friends & family tell her to leave him could be under influence and have excessive Oxyocyin release.
        3. M5QM8E: I originally thought Iris was this way due to her attachment to Josh despite his abuse of her, but after seeing her not attach to me after some good sex plus more evidence, I now think it’s more her attraction to abuse.
      24. M5QJX1: Face appearance is below average.

        1. M5W5OE: In friendship & especially romance, face is more important than body & figure, so a below average face can offset the benefits even the best body & figure.
          1. M5W5XG: indeed a great body & figure with a below-average face might be a tad worse than a below-average face on a average or below-average body & figure, because at least then it’s matching.
        2. M5QUY4: Example: Fang (with outstanding figure, especially for E. Asian, but with a mildly below-average face, so she would be right thinking of herself as physically “average”, not “hot” as she seems to).
      25. M5B7TJ: mis-thinking only men at least 10years older than her will be romantically serious with her

        1. M5QVUO: popular among some Chinese immigrants, especially the women I met at Cindy’s parties.
        2. M5QW3H: Creates a vicious cycle: the older men are divorced & with kids, so aren’t looking for more marriage & kids, but do want more sex, so they will cater to this, and such women flock to them like flies, where they will sleep with them and then dispose of them as soon as they become trouble, as more such women await. And the women don’t learn, despite being told, repeat the process again & again until they become bitter & burned-out, and replaced with fresh ignorant ones with this same bad mindset.
      26. M5BFU7: only seeking casual sex partners, typically many short-lived ones

        1. M5UTEZ: Who does this?  Men mostly, but sometimes women.
        2. M5UTFK: This usually is a problem, as most people (men & women) desire more-than-sex romance, plus even if they don’t some of their partners generally do, so it’s likely somebody is getting hurt, but it’s possible that no one is hurt iff the doer is born that way and everything is done respectful to everyone.
        3. M5BFVP: why is this done? One or more of the following:
          1. M5BG3E: the person feels they were hurt by someone of the opposite sex so now wants to hurt other members of the opposite sex.  I’ve known 3 men like this, hard-core players.
          2. M5BG67: a woman wants to a poor-imitation of what she sees men doing here, typically unrealising that men also seek multiple wives: example Samantha of Sex in the City.
          3. M5BG9T: a person lacks drive for long-term romances and/or romances more than sex, because and/or:
            1. M5BG54: experienced/saw them as too difficult
            2. M5BGBP: born that way
      27. M5XY9V: Meta (about this section)

        1. M5XYBG: Planned changes, roughly in order:
          1. M5XYCD: Phrasing every item positive instead of negative.
          2. M5XYCY: Making each item its own post (so more readable & commentable and scalable).
            1. M5XYHF: One thing which will have to be addressed is allowing a person to quickly search in which posts their name occurs.
    4. M5QRBJ: If the person appears to be able to fix the drawback/mistake but doesn’t, this makes the drawback that much worse.

      1. M5QRCN: typical examples: overweight (yes, unless showing it’s a genetic or other disorder beyond his/her control), bad attitude (yes), cheating (yes), having to care for a non-adult child (no).
    5. M5BEJZ: The person with drawbacks often doesn’t show proper respect, specifically:

      1. M5BES6: not to her/himself whenever not doing all of these things:
        1. M5QRI3: facing it & admitting it
        2. M5QRIH: talking about it especially when & as it affects people
        3.  M5QRIW: fixing it where it’s possible to fix
      2. M5BET1: not to others whenever her/his problem becomes a problem for others, especially when any of these:
        1. M5BGLR: s/he won’t see how her/his problem hurts others and make up for that –very serious!
          1. M5BEVX: often starting with: others find out unexpectedly (w/o warning) -an unpleasant surprise to them
        2. M5BGJA: it’s something s/he won’t talk about else work to fix for at least others involved
      3. M5BGH3: so then the person is not respected by others and brings further disrespect to everyone
    6. M5BIYC: The romantic pursuers of person with romantic drawbacks react at-least-internally as anyone would, by having less respect for the person, but also, especially externally, differently depending on pursuer’s gender:

      1. M5BJ9X: Because of the notable drawbacks, the long-term romance success for that person is dramatically reduced, often to zero, especially if a woman, so it just it just depends on how well the potential mate can see that in advance and any use he/she would have for the person despite it.
      2. M5B84Dmale mates (both actual & potential) will generally react as follows:
        1. M5BJJG: ~90% of men are quite willing to accept casual sex if they can get away with it, so:
        2. M5B84J~70% of men will still initially appear just as interested(even suggesting to her that he might become his one wife, as that’s what nearly every woman wants to considered: wife-material)
          1. M5BJOV: so the straight with drawbacks will easily NOT realize the serious cost of her drawbacks, as it will typically appear to her as if plenty of men are still quite romantically interested in her; BUT
          2. M5BJYW: the mens’ apparent romantic interest is now actually only sexual and sometimes for abuse. His niceness will only continue until he’s gotten his sex from her and/or gotten her hooked on him. As in truth, he was never dedicated/serious with her in romance at all, and instead:
            1. M5B84O: typically to him they will be “just booty call meaning here just a mate to service their dicks then dump right after or whenever the person become a problem
            2. M5B84X: or, if she has problem which invites the men to abuse her (including being too attached or even jealous or high sex drive she doesn’t accept & manage), the men who stay will her will then abuse her, often to abuse her, notably use her to take out their frustrations and bully her
        3. M5B85A: ~20% will now turn her down romantically
          1. M5QGWA: Why?
            1. M5BK1Y: ~3/4ths because they’ve already got some romance & sex so getting her for booty call is not worth troubling with her dysfunction.
            2. M5BK3J: ~1/4th because they are looking for long-term romance but aren’t desperate to deal with her dysfunction.
          2. M5QGZ5: Will he tell the person the real reason why he turned the person down?  Probably 90% “NO”, especially in the very-likely case the person is a woman as a mature man knows women can be extremely vindictive for being turned down romantically.
        4. M5B85D: ~5%, those desperate for romance, WILL lie to themselves that these problems aren’t important so they can accept themselves going after her seriously, but of course the lie & relationship painfully fails.
        5. M5QEG4: ~4% of men will have a matching disorder, a combo causing attraction.
          1. M5QEJK: for ~1/2 the match will have very negative results: one hurts the other or visa versa.
            1. M5QEOW: The classic example is the woman subconsciously attracting & even soliciting abuse who finds an abusive man, where both were likely raised in a family where they saw say the father abusing the mother.
          2. M5QES2: for ~1/4  case they will be attracted because the have the same disorder.  This can be positive, as they both share the fixes they’ve found, or it can be negative as they both then come to feel the disorder is normal & healthy & everyone else is wrong.
            1. M5QFWX: For instance, a couple formed of two very jealous people.
              1. M5QGAI: I’ve heard of it with
                1. M5QGBH: Hatsumi and her boyfriend before me. Both are extremely jealous, so she said she felt secure in the fact he was jealous, too.
                2. M5QGCR: I Hispanic woman I almost dated (met via a wrong phone #) and her former boyfriend.
              2. M5QGA5: Jealousy is romantic anti-love, causing the jealous person to  hurt others, but sometimes  a person avoids flirting (or deliberately does flirt) with others in order to please and/or attract their  partner, and the person is very jealous then then intuitively know (by the Golden Rule) how to manipulate their jealous partner in this way. This can build some temporary attraction, but
                1. M5QGHU: at the expense of hurting others along the way (who they insincerely flirt-with or turn-down, sometimes both).
                2. M5QGIE: this is not love, but catering to their partner’s disfynction, kind of like giving each other drugs to which they each are addicted.
                3. M5QGIS: It’s commonly believed that jealous people are very the ones more likely to cheat, including because they so mis-worry about their partner is cheating, so  have to get back at him/her, or because they believe their partner is so tempted because in fact they are.
                4. M5QGNG: Being falsely-accused & -suspected tends to create the situation feared, per say the law of attraction.
          3. M5QEZN: for 1/4th of the case (the best case) the disorders can cancel each other out, at least for a short while.
            1. M5QF10: I’ve seen this in a couple of cases of women I’ve dated, though I have only limited data on the long term success.
              1.   M5QF2J: Congpa would constantly do mean stuff to to intentionally get me angry, eventually admitting “When she got her mate angry, she felt best.” , why I finally broke up with her. She eventually paired up with a super-nerdy programmer from Microsoft, who had never before dated in his life as he was socially clueless. He would mostly not see the mean stuff she would do to get him angry, so so would not get angry over it, and so eventually she would stop.
              2. M5QF8K: I met Julia when she was fleeing from her last stalker boyfriend. She hid out at my place. As she had fleed without ever clearly telling him what he was doing wrong, I insisted she apologize for this and talk with him for ~10 minutes every week, but no more. She eventually left me and returned to him, telling me essentially “I left you and returned to him because, unlike him, you don’t sneakily follow me around and try to get into my private business against my will, so I’m not feeling loved.”.
        6. M5B85V: ~1% only of men (as me) will still offer to be seriously & dedicated romantic with her long-term, but if & only if: she works not to hurt other people else make it up to them (starting first with him!) and sees her drawbacks and works-to-fix them where possible.
      3. M5BK79: so the drawbacked-person (typically a woman) mating with men
        1. M5QFU8: won’t be told of her/his problem by nearly all her potential & actual male mates (only in case M5B85V (~1%) and M5QGZ5 (~2%), so only ~3% will tell her/him) so s/he often won’t see s/he has any serious problems,
        2. M5QFV6: but  in every outcome but this last two (only ~2%), s/he ends up getting more hurt every time s/he get into romance and/or sex, sending their lifetime into a downward romantic spiral, which appears unrecoverable (their romantic life is permanently destroyed & bitter) after about 15 years for women and maybe 20 years for men.
      4. M5BAOW: female mate seem to react as follows:
        1. M5BB0W: some try to cast out the person
          1. M5QSZ0: often too extremely (as “no drugs” instead of “no drug abuse”) as because of painful past experiences and because the woman, being the one pursued by men, many choices.
          2. M5QSZN: However females are often so in dreamland needing to find the perfect “soulmate”, so much requiring a perfect non-existent person, that it’s often easily for a mate to over-sell the female with confidence and to hide their negative details from her until the relationship is established (as after having sex with her a few times), after which she will be then be much more (too) open to ignore, accept, or fix her mate’s drawbacks.
        2. M5BAWH: many seem to ignore their mate’s drawbacks
          1. M5BAQ5: especially if the problem doesn’t immediately affect them,
          2. M5QSCY: This may be because she is focusing too much on “Am I immediately pleasured by this mate?” and not thinking “Could this his/her drawback be a problem?”.
          3. M5QS8Y: But as the relationship progresses
            1. M5BAWY: indeed sometimes the problem can continue to be overlooked (as being overweight or cheating-if-mostly-kept-hidden) as it doesn’t end up tangibly affecting her too much
            2. M5BAXF: but other problems, as being abusive or serious addictions, cannot be ignored, and create a disaster relationship that then may go on a long time because the woman has committed herself and typically to just this one mate.
              1. M5QSJ0: She may get trapped in a cycle of abuse or codependency.  He has to do wrong, and she has to take it or fix it.
              2. M5QSKG: Or she may fall silent of the problem until she spots what she thinks is a better mate, then suddenly & brutally leave for him.
        3. M5QSAK: Some try to fix the problem. Women are mothers so nurturers by nature, and the fact that her mate has problems makes him/her interesting, and they feel useful trying to fix it. And sometimes they can and sometimes they can’t.
          1. M5QSN9: Sometimes she does set & keep her mate straight, and in maybe 1/2 of these cases, he appreciates her for it.
          2. M5QSOE: Sometimes she can’t fix it,
            1. M5QSPT: in many of these cases, though, she has since become addicted to trying. And a cycle of codependency is created. He breaks and she must fix, and it goes on forever, with he abusing her.
            2. M5QSRV: In a few of these cases, she can still walk way.
        4. M5QSWH: A few are actually quite attracted the drawback, as it immediately feels like complementing one of their drawbacks.
          1. M5QTBG: For example, those turned on by being abused are attracted to abusers.
          2. M5QTGP: The results may be good or bad, as the similar situation for male mates.
      5. M5QTK6: So the drawbacked-person (typically a man) mating with women
        1. M5QTO9: will typically not have these drawbacks held against him/her provided he/she doesn’t him/herself worry about them and makes some attempt to hide them initially
        2. M5QTQB: has a fair chance of
          1. M5QTV6: getting these drawbacks ignored, accepted, and/or fixed by her
          2. M5QTVG: else getting the better of her (in an abusive situation) unless society steps in to help which it is increasingly doing.
      6. M5QU3H: Note the outcome for the romantically drawbacked person-mating-with-men seems much more disastrous in general than that for the drawbacked-person mating with women except where society steps in, so it’s especially critical for those seeking to mate with men (typically women) to see & address their romantic drawbacks.
  3. M3KF4W: Motivations (from roughly greatest-to-least):

    1. .
  4. M33Z0T: Additional post history, in order:

    1.  M5B7AO: I create this
      1. M3KNZ6: Why?
        1. M3KO0E: before
          1. M3KOP0: instead of this, what was done
            1. M4X6SX: Noted informally
          2. M3KOSW: reached my limit when
            1. M5B8MW: Wanted to get Iris to see the consequences of her dysfunction
      2. M3KNXM: by:
        1. M37OOV: on (the most similar recent one=http://1.JotHere.com/3229#M55HZL) latest version M55MB6, do Copy to a new draft M37OP0: then there: created this entry, give this a new ID, then updated content to fit
    2. M5B8PB: Intermediate draft while pausing to do some timely calls -didn’t save
    3. M5B9FB: 2nd attempt to save
    4. M5BGXJ: still constructing. Title q(A person’s fixable dysfunction romantically costs too much, especially if a woman, so admit it & fix it!)
    5. M5QHAX: still constructing, needing to save due to browser bug. New title q(A person’s fixable romantic dysfunction costs too much, especially if a woman, so admit it, allow for it, & fix it!)
    6. M5QIPA: new title q(A person’s romantic drawbacks cost big, especially if a woman, so fix them else admit & discount-for them)
    7. M5R46N: Now have a fairly usable, releasable version ready to be commented on, so 1st publish. But I must have hit “Save draft” so not yet published.
    8. M5TTTW: About 35% more text added. New title q(One’s romantic drawbacks, including mistakes, cost big, especially if a woman, so fix them else admit & discount-for them)
    9. M5UTOU: Publishing a fairly clean version
    10. M5W6CF: Further completed a few sections (adding several paragraphs) including M5USEG(romance as a drug)M5B838: preferring fantasy over realityM5B7T1: romantically attaches too much after sex, even to an abusive mate
    11. M5W6IJ: New title q(One’s romantic drawbacks, including mistakes, cost big, especially if a woman, so face them including (fix them else admit & discount-for them)) –longer but easier swallow process & meaning.
    12. M5XY1S: Remove strong-tag within headings. Fix URL, added sections on changes as M5XYBG.
    13. MF00DR:About to refer Joy to this article, so do some small clarifications M5TPNZ including appropriately moving much of its content the details page it references; pst2012.12.13thu1844.
  5. M5XY7N: Additional post planned changes

    1. .

  2 Responses to “One’s romantic drawbacks, including mistakes, cost big, especially if a woman, so face them including (fix them else admit & discount-for them)”

  1. I’m getting pretty fed up with people having me & others suffer and be burdened by their romantic drawbacks & shenanigans, & when all this pain-causing is unnecessary.

    So to provide real examples here and in hopes they (and others) will correct-else-discount for their ways so things get better for me & everyone,
    I have included here (in the post above) the names of about 10 people I know personally (notably dates & friends), including me, who I’ve witnessed having 1 or more of these drawbacks, listed under each particular drawback. Except for me, pretty much in all cases they didn’t apologize for their problem or nor even warn me about it nor correct else discount for it, and it hurt me, certainly enough to detail it here, and earn them being listed here on this public post (at least to stop future folks from doing this). Still I have at this point only listed the person’s first name. And nothing is exaggerated.

    Are you listed? Search for your entries. Press “Ctrl-F” and type your first name.
    Have some comments? Please reply by posting your constructive feedback to the subcomment here particular to you (or to this comment if none).

    • Regarding the parent comment (see that) & this page (see that), the first person now being notified of her name being here is Janice.
      Janice, hoping to improve things, currently you are listed 2 times (as described, press Ctrl-F to find yourself). Please read, & I encourage you to post your constructive feedback on this comment.